Wow, so ninety days.
!
It's surreal. Surreally! I have sobriety! I have serenity! I have sanity! I have--
Soerbranity. Serbranity?
Whatever. It feels great! I have goals now. Clear, concrete goals.
I never thought I could get through a week without drinking, let alone 90 days.
So much to do, so much to do.
Easy does it, one day at a time.
Serbranity!
Sunday, January 22, 2017
akaaa (orig. published 1/12/2016 on JQEH)
Fourteen days. Or is it negative three hundred sixty-five days? I don't know. I don't think I've been sober this long in my adult life, but I'm still here. And here we are. My cunt siblings are still cunts. At this moment in time I hate them, that is my truth and that is what, after so much self-doubt, self-recriminations, self-shaming, and guilt for feeling it, I am truly feeling. Not the self-serving, evil kind of hate - it's the hate that comes from trusting them so many times, the unconditional trust and love I have felt from my heart, that just kept being beaten down. My brother took a big fucking dump on that trust 3 and a half months ago, and my sister Jill has been doing it all my life. So fuck them. Fuck them all at this point. I don't really think -- can't really think -- that Lisa or Mary Beth have my back, either. They've done they're share of spurning me, only it was never as blatant as Steven or Jill. Anyway, this is my truth as I see it now. Jeff has helped show me that because he's seen it with much clearer eyes.
Which brings me to the subject at hand. I'm an alcoholic now. Now. Funny, right? As if I weren't always an alcoholic? All those blackouts, thinking they were a normal part of getting fucked up. Thinking all those times that next time I would watch my drinking more, and not fuck up. That I wouldn't get to a point where I'd forget all the crazy shit I do while wasted. Funny how all of that past behavior formed such a familiar pattern.
I'm sitting alone with my thoughts after my 11th AA meeting (11 meetings 14 days, better catch up, buddy-boy no it's not important yes it is NINETY MEETINGS NINETY DAYS but relapse but nothing there is no such thing as relapsing in sobriety god i'm so afraid god i need a sponsor god i need a friend but i have friends all around me who love me but why do i feel so lonely so isolated so fucking socially awkward which was the thing that made drink in the first place and drink and drink and drink and drink x 6 more vodka fucking sodas until i passed out in the apartment hallway forgot my keys forgot my sport jacket clutching my phone and wallet). East Village, NYC, best place in the world, center of the universe.
Every meeting is a gift, I know, and it's helping me to stay sober if only so I don't stew in my thoughts if only so that I can hear others' stories, stories that are my story, my truth. Yet I still I'm the same socially awkward Jimmy, the same scared kid I always was, always thinking people are staring at me judging me laughing at me. God I need to see my therapist like fucking yesterday. Two sessions in a row I had to skip because of vacation/time off, both for me and for Dr. B. That's 3 weeks in a row. Last time I saw him was the before time, when everything was different. Now I'm a recovering alcoholic and scared of what comes next. Why didn't I see this coming years ago? Why did I let it go as far as it did, hurting Jeff so much along the way? Why couldn't I see the signs when it was happening? Thirteen years, Jesus Christ.
Anyway, Jeff's home now, just had a really good talk about tangents (not the math kind!) and everything's kinda ok.
Which brings me to the subject at hand. I'm an alcoholic now. Now. Funny, right? As if I weren't always an alcoholic? All those blackouts, thinking they were a normal part of getting fucked up. Thinking all those times that next time I would watch my drinking more, and not fuck up. That I wouldn't get to a point where I'd forget all the crazy shit I do while wasted. Funny how all of that past behavior formed such a familiar pattern.
I'm sitting alone with my thoughts after my 11th AA meeting (11 meetings 14 days, better catch up, buddy-boy no it's not important yes it is NINETY MEETINGS NINETY DAYS but relapse but nothing there is no such thing as relapsing in sobriety god i'm so afraid god i need a sponsor god i need a friend but i have friends all around me who love me but why do i feel so lonely so isolated so fucking socially awkward which was the thing that made drink in the first place and drink and drink and drink and drink x 6 more vodka fucking sodas until i passed out in the apartment hallway forgot my keys forgot my sport jacket clutching my phone and wallet). East Village, NYC, best place in the world, center of the universe.
Every meeting is a gift, I know, and it's helping me to stay sober if only so I don't stew in my thoughts if only so that I can hear others' stories, stories that are my story, my truth. Yet I still I'm the same socially awkward Jimmy, the same scared kid I always was, always thinking people are staring at me judging me laughing at me. God I need to see my therapist like fucking yesterday. Two sessions in a row I had to skip because of vacation/time off, both for me and for Dr. B. That's 3 weeks in a row. Last time I saw him was the before time, when everything was different. Now I'm a recovering alcoholic and scared of what comes next. Why didn't I see this coming years ago? Why did I let it go as far as it did, hurting Jeff so much along the way? Why couldn't I see the signs when it was happening? Thirteen years, Jesus Christ.
Anyway, Jeff's home now, just had a really good talk about tangents (not the math kind!) and everything's kinda ok.
The Sickening Sound of Silence (originally written on 9/12/2015, plucked from Jimmy Q's Egg Hut)
That's my family, in a nutshell. Not the family I have with Jeff. My siblings, that is. Who can't even fucking bring themselves to call me when there's a major issue concerning me. Like Jeff's HIV status. Whose reaction to Jeff's texts is to ignore them. Or, in Steve's case, to wait 5 days before even acknowledging receiving it, and directing Jeff to give him a call when he can. NOT calling or texting Jeff himself, mind you. In Jill's case the text was ignored. I think she knows she was caught.
Whose first instinct upon hearing a major revelation about me and my marriage is to call a sister who I said would flip if she heard. But go and tell he did. Yeah, that's right, my own brother ratting me out for being in an open relationship. An issue that concerns no one but Jeff and myself. An issue about which I told Steve that I'm perfectly ok with, that I'm happy about. And that Jeff and I have worked through. But even if not, why is it my sister Jill's business to know? And why would Steve even care? Projection much?
This is the letter I would have sent if anger got the better of me:
"Hi All, I just wanted to email you all because some developments have sprung up concerning me and Jeff, and, quite frankly, about Jeff. I hope you're all well and I hope that we can all come away from this with more understanding and compassion.
To Steve: your reaction to what I revealed to you about Jeff and me at the diner that Friday night, which went from puzzled curiosity on Friday to outright moralizing judgment during the ride up to Provincetown on Sunday, is quite alarming. I had time to think about it and though I know things cooled off when we got to Provincetown, I couldn't help the feeling that you'd always be suspicious of Jeff, regardless of the real story I tried and tried to get across to you. Of course, as we are a married couple and because I love and respect Jeff infinitely, I talked to Jeff about this. And as you know he texted you directly, confronting you about a possible mistrust, and trying to clear it up -- but you wated 4 days before you answered, and that was to have Jeff call you, when the burden was on you to clear up any misunderstanding and confront the issue head on. But that's not your style, I suppose. Your silence during that whole time was disrespectful not only to Jeff, but to me as well, as he is the love of my life. I was left feeling at turns confused, angry, and hurt. The longer the silence went on, the worse it got. So this is Jeff's response, written in the form of a letter, which Jeff made into a Google doc but which I've copied and pasted below just in case you weren't able to open it. Please read it and consider it so can we can have a conversation to clear up some misconceptions:
"Steve,
I tried to have this conversation with you on the phone or in-person, but you haven’t responded. A lot of what has been said about my marriage, our lives and me this past week has been really hurtful. After 14 years of being with Jim, the revelation that we have choices that are different from what you had expected has suddenly made me into an enemy. I don’t understand this and am a bit surprised at how fragile my relationship to this family apparently was.
I’ve always known I was an outsider in this family. As an in-law, that’s what you get. But I had no idea that I was so far out and not needed. I’ve heard how ‘outspoken’ and ‘moody’ I’ve been seen. And I know I speak my mind, with roots from other coasts. I live with myself every day. I know my own insecurities and weaknesses and hate them possibly more than you do.
To have my texts to both you and Jill this week completely ignored make it appear I don’t have a lot of value to either of you, and am really unsure why. Maybe I’ve said something that offended you personally. I’m not certain. But I am certain we could at least have a conversation when I hear knowledge about a chronic disease of mine – and no context – is being passed around without my consent.
Your brother loves you. The idea that you would actively judge him over your set of morals, not his, is really breaking his heart.
We both have been in long term marriages. We both are human beings and relationships are hard. Everyone does what is needed to make it work until it doesn’t anymore. Some divorce, some stay together and find solutions to keep everyone enjoying life. We have done that. We have incredibly good communication in our marriage. We talk about our deep fears and the shallow ones. We talk about other men. We talk about sex. We hit every issue that comes up as it comes to us. Our friends understand this. My parents understand this. They know – without a doubt – that we are a strong couple.
Strong couples have a lot of freedom. Freedoms like facing jealousy and envy. Gay men have freedoms, too. Gay men can be open. We have a different way of living. Your suburban gay friends may not tell you they are (mostly because they worry about the reaction, ahem.) but they are. It might be on vacation, it might be don’t-ask-don’t-tell, but they are open on some level.
We are a strong, gay couple. Ours is not a traditional marriage. We are our own marriage. Not yours, not his, not hers. Ours. We will live as we choose and you can absolutely not be ok with that. I will not impose my morals on you, just as I would expect you not to impose yours on me.
But do not make a mistake. You cannot be unkind. You have been very unkind, and you cannot continue that. It is cruel. Your brother needs his family. Not to be ‘protected’ by them, or coddled. He needs your love and support forever. He is in absolutely no crisis. I have strong references for you on that – and his therapist can tell you that, too. He is a great, great man and will always be my husband.
But over time, people grow. We have chosen to grow together. We would like you to respect that choice and stop being utterly disrespectful and misinterpreting what is really going on.
Thank you. I hope this ends the unnecessary and damaging silent treatment.
Sincerely, Jeff"
Looking forward to hearing from you soon. Love, Jim
To Jill: it's come to my attention that you and Steve had a talk soon after I left for NYC. Apparently Steve revealed to you what I told him about Jeff's and my relationship, something I confided to him at dinner on the Friday we drove up to the Cape. I'm not going to surmise the nature of your conversation, however, something was revealed by you to Steve concerning a very delicate subject -- namely, Jeff's HIV status. And Jeff also texted you directly about that, only to, again, get no response. This is also troubling to me, and especially to Jeff: why didn't you think to ever confront either of us about this sensitive issue? And, although it's fairly easy to figure out the source of your information, who told you about it?
To Lisa: as you and Mark are also a married couple, and as married couples talk to each other about anything and everything, as they should, you are probably privy to what Jeff talked to Mark about during Labor Day weekend a year ago. Namely, that Jeff wanted to reassure Mark that Jason could come to Jeff for any issues related to gay life, being one who's experienced a lot and lived a lot of it. One of the things Jeff revealed in that conversation, as to allay any fears about STDs and HIV, was his status as an HIV+ individual, having had it 13 years and being totally healthy living with it. It seems that this information has gotten around now, all without ever consulting Jeff or myself about it. Why? Has it never occurred to anyone that this might be disrespectful.
To Mary Beth: all of this might be new to you, maybe it isn't, I don't know because it seems no one talks to each other in this family when it comes to really important issues affecting the individuals involved. I'm not saying you're culpable in this but I just wanted you to be a part of this conversation, as Jeff is a part of this family.
To All: I'm sending this along so that one thing is clear going forward: I will not be a participant to this gossip mill you have all created for the benefit of no one. I had thought that Jeff could expect a little more respect than we've gotten this past week, especially since the issues involved--the nature of my marriage and a chronic disease that's still surrounded by so much ignorance--are so weighty for everyone involved. I know I've made plenty of mistakes growing up, and I've been quite a little shit at times, but I'm 43 now and am my own man and very happy in my own marriage. Jeff is the man I want to grow old with and you all need to know that, and accept that."
I never sent it and am better for it. I've learned to adapt to the situation at hand and be the adult that they are not. I had a calm and considered conversation with my brother, one where I made it clear that I was disappointed--I used that word several times--with him, with Jill, with the gossip mill that's developed around us. The truth is that I am not just disappointed but angry. After 13 years of knowing Jeff, Steve's first thought is to think that he's using me, taking advantage of me? When, truth be told, it was me that was, with Jeff's knowledge and approval on a couple of those standby flights, taking sexcations to cities I'd never been to.
But the only way to be the adult is to just state that you're disappointed. I, the youngest sibling of 5, am the adult now.
Whose first instinct upon hearing a major revelation about me and my marriage is to call a sister who I said would flip if she heard. But go and tell he did. Yeah, that's right, my own brother ratting me out for being in an open relationship. An issue that concerns no one but Jeff and myself. An issue about which I told Steve that I'm perfectly ok with, that I'm happy about. And that Jeff and I have worked through. But even if not, why is it my sister Jill's business to know? And why would Steve even care? Projection much?
This is the letter I would have sent if anger got the better of me:
"Hi All, I just wanted to email you all because some developments have sprung up concerning me and Jeff, and, quite frankly, about Jeff. I hope you're all well and I hope that we can all come away from this with more understanding and compassion.
To Steve: your reaction to what I revealed to you about Jeff and me at the diner that Friday night, which went from puzzled curiosity on Friday to outright moralizing judgment during the ride up to Provincetown on Sunday, is quite alarming. I had time to think about it and though I know things cooled off when we got to Provincetown, I couldn't help the feeling that you'd always be suspicious of Jeff, regardless of the real story I tried and tried to get across to you. Of course, as we are a married couple and because I love and respect Jeff infinitely, I talked to Jeff about this. And as you know he texted you directly, confronting you about a possible mistrust, and trying to clear it up -- but you wated 4 days before you answered, and that was to have Jeff call you, when the burden was on you to clear up any misunderstanding and confront the issue head on. But that's not your style, I suppose. Your silence during that whole time was disrespectful not only to Jeff, but to me as well, as he is the love of my life. I was left feeling at turns confused, angry, and hurt. The longer the silence went on, the worse it got. So this is Jeff's response, written in the form of a letter, which Jeff made into a Google doc but which I've copied and pasted below just in case you weren't able to open it. Please read it and consider it so can we can have a conversation to clear up some misconceptions:
"Steve,
I tried to have this conversation with you on the phone or in-person, but you haven’t responded. A lot of what has been said about my marriage, our lives and me this past week has been really hurtful. After 14 years of being with Jim, the revelation that we have choices that are different from what you had expected has suddenly made me into an enemy. I don’t understand this and am a bit surprised at how fragile my relationship to this family apparently was.
I’ve always known I was an outsider in this family. As an in-law, that’s what you get. But I had no idea that I was so far out and not needed. I’ve heard how ‘outspoken’ and ‘moody’ I’ve been seen. And I know I speak my mind, with roots from other coasts. I live with myself every day. I know my own insecurities and weaknesses and hate them possibly more than you do.
To have my texts to both you and Jill this week completely ignored make it appear I don’t have a lot of value to either of you, and am really unsure why. Maybe I’ve said something that offended you personally. I’m not certain. But I am certain we could at least have a conversation when I hear knowledge about a chronic disease of mine – and no context – is being passed around without my consent.
Your brother loves you. The idea that you would actively judge him over your set of morals, not his, is really breaking his heart.
We both have been in long term marriages. We both are human beings and relationships are hard. Everyone does what is needed to make it work until it doesn’t anymore. Some divorce, some stay together and find solutions to keep everyone enjoying life. We have done that. We have incredibly good communication in our marriage. We talk about our deep fears and the shallow ones. We talk about other men. We talk about sex. We hit every issue that comes up as it comes to us. Our friends understand this. My parents understand this. They know – without a doubt – that we are a strong couple.
Strong couples have a lot of freedom. Freedoms like facing jealousy and envy. Gay men have freedoms, too. Gay men can be open. We have a different way of living. Your suburban gay friends may not tell you they are (mostly because they worry about the reaction, ahem.) but they are. It might be on vacation, it might be don’t-ask-don’t-tell, but they are open on some level.
We are a strong, gay couple. Ours is not a traditional marriage. We are our own marriage. Not yours, not his, not hers. Ours. We will live as we choose and you can absolutely not be ok with that. I will not impose my morals on you, just as I would expect you not to impose yours on me.
But do not make a mistake. You cannot be unkind. You have been very unkind, and you cannot continue that. It is cruel. Your brother needs his family. Not to be ‘protected’ by them, or coddled. He needs your love and support forever. He is in absolutely no crisis. I have strong references for you on that – and his therapist can tell you that, too. He is a great, great man and will always be my husband.
But over time, people grow. We have chosen to grow together. We would like you to respect that choice and stop being utterly disrespectful and misinterpreting what is really going on.
Thank you. I hope this ends the unnecessary and damaging silent treatment.
Sincerely, Jeff"
Looking forward to hearing from you soon. Love, Jim
To Jill: it's come to my attention that you and Steve had a talk soon after I left for NYC. Apparently Steve revealed to you what I told him about Jeff's and my relationship, something I confided to him at dinner on the Friday we drove up to the Cape. I'm not going to surmise the nature of your conversation, however, something was revealed by you to Steve concerning a very delicate subject -- namely, Jeff's HIV status. And Jeff also texted you directly about that, only to, again, get no response. This is also troubling to me, and especially to Jeff: why didn't you think to ever confront either of us about this sensitive issue? And, although it's fairly easy to figure out the source of your information, who told you about it?
To Lisa: as you and Mark are also a married couple, and as married couples talk to each other about anything and everything, as they should, you are probably privy to what Jeff talked to Mark about during Labor Day weekend a year ago. Namely, that Jeff wanted to reassure Mark that Jason could come to Jeff for any issues related to gay life, being one who's experienced a lot and lived a lot of it. One of the things Jeff revealed in that conversation, as to allay any fears about STDs and HIV, was his status as an HIV+ individual, having had it 13 years and being totally healthy living with it. It seems that this information has gotten around now, all without ever consulting Jeff or myself about it. Why? Has it never occurred to anyone that this might be disrespectful.
To Mary Beth: all of this might be new to you, maybe it isn't, I don't know because it seems no one talks to each other in this family when it comes to really important issues affecting the individuals involved. I'm not saying you're culpable in this but I just wanted you to be a part of this conversation, as Jeff is a part of this family.
To All: I'm sending this along so that one thing is clear going forward: I will not be a participant to this gossip mill you have all created for the benefit of no one. I had thought that Jeff could expect a little more respect than we've gotten this past week, especially since the issues involved--the nature of my marriage and a chronic disease that's still surrounded by so much ignorance--are so weighty for everyone involved. I know I've made plenty of mistakes growing up, and I've been quite a little shit at times, but I'm 43 now and am my own man and very happy in my own marriage. Jeff is the man I want to grow old with and you all need to know that, and accept that."
I never sent it and am better for it. I've learned to adapt to the situation at hand and be the adult that they are not. I had a calm and considered conversation with my brother, one where I made it clear that I was disappointed--I used that word several times--with him, with Jill, with the gossip mill that's developed around us. The truth is that I am not just disappointed but angry. After 13 years of knowing Jeff, Steve's first thought is to think that he's using me, taking advantage of me? When, truth be told, it was me that was, with Jeff's knowledge and approval on a couple of those standby flights, taking sexcations to cities I'd never been to.
But the only way to be the adult is to just state that you're disappointed. I, the youngest sibling of 5, am the adult now.
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
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